A Little Knot

Last night I drank a bit with my buddy on a Zoom call. I'll admit it. I'll be the first to admit it. Don't JUDGE ME.

But, the day after I drink I usually feel down, and fairly anxious. As I imagine a lot of people do, maybe? Melancholy, perhaps. Well today is one of those days.

And I've been really trying to notice the physical manifestations of my emotions recently, so I have been sitting here trying to really feel what it feels like to be down. And I think it feels like a weight in my head. Right at the front of the forehead. Like a weight, or maybe a knot. That's probably a better way to describe it. A knot at the front of my forehead.

And it's not just when I've been drinking. There are days when I'm on top of the damn world, and days when it feels like I'm under it. And when I look at what feels different between the two extremes, it's that same little knot.

And when it's there, that knot usually dictates how I feel. About myself, about the world around me. And how I act in the world around me. I'm more volatile, whether it comes off externally - perhaps I'm shorter and snippier with people - or internally - more sensitive to what people say to me, or more existential about my place in my career, my life, etc.

The knot really is like a cloud. A fog that I see my world through until it dissipates in ten minutes, or an hour, or the next day.

But then I think - we get knots all the time, right? I mean I've got one right now from sitting in front of my computer for the past two weeks. And it's fairly present all the time. And sure, it's uncomfortable, and it annoys me, and sometimes it hurts and I'm all like, "Fuckin' knot," but it doesn't really change my mood so drastically. Doesn't seem to create that fog. Maybe - and that's a big maybe - it will make me shorter with people if it's really bad, but it certainly doesn't bring with it the internal doubt. The ramped up anxiety or sensitivity.

So why is the knot in my forehead any different? Is it really any different? Or is it just a physical manifestation, like any other knot. Does it have to have the emotional baggage attached?

I write this, of course, from my own experience. I have only suffered from depression once in my life, and severe anxiety a few times, so I don't intend to speak for anybody suffering from those or other debilitating issues. This is just my experience - my experience with doubt, with anxiety, and with melancholy.

And for me, it's a knot. Sometimes it's small. Sometimes it's huge. But it's always, at its core, a physical feeling. Always, for me, just a knot.